So yesterday I thought I was hungover. In fact I was getting a cold. Or it was both. 
Balancing on the thin line of life and uncertainty - that's the way to live. 

My friend told me I should write a blog or start a YouTube channel. My friend tells me that every time I speak to him. He finds me funny, He finds my bitching and complaining funny. Apparently many people find it funny. 

But what do I really have to say? 
I can only bitch in a funny way to people. When I think about the things that upset or irritate me alone I am seriously upset or irritated. Not in a funny way. In a depressed, fuck my life way. 

But maybe I should write something anyway. I enjoy writing. Typing. Maybe I should start typing more job applications and motivation letters for work. Maybe I should start bloody applying for jobs finally. 

My fear of rejection and failure is stronger than my wish to get a real job. I feel that I've already forgotten everything I learned at uni and, even if someone invited me for an interview, I wouldn't have anything to say. Because I've never had an interview. For a real job I mean. I had millions for shitty bar and restaurant jobs. 

I don't know what to do. How to overcome my fears. I used to be strong. Always, no matter what. Hard working and motivated and always prioritising my education over other crap. Now I'm not. I still have ambition (lol really??) and would like to find a job, and was still a good student and all... but I feel like I don't know how to live outside of university environment. How to grow some balls and keep applying and calling and bombarding people with emails saying how amazing I am and how they need me for the job? 
I don't know, because I haven't been doing any of this. I've just been slaving away wasting my life in hospitality jobs while being to tired and scared to apply for real jobs in my field of expertise. 

I know I'm good. I have been told I'm good. I have been told 'there were stronger candidates'.